


Lose your soul

by smaragdbird



Category: Marvel (Movies), Thor (2011)
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Death, Choices, Dark, Depression, Infanticide, M/M, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-11
Updated: 2011-10-11
Packaged: 2017-10-24 12:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They made him choose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lose your soul

**Author's Note:**

> The story of Narfi and Vali put into the Thor movieverse, Apologies to the Norse myth for abusing Freyr and Freya this way but I couldn't find another way to get the myth into the movieverse and bringing up the Vanir-Aesir war is so convenient.

The most dangerous enemy was the one within your own ranks. The Asgard were the second youngest race in the nine realms, a war-mongering culture until they had found their way to the top and pushed the Vanir from their throne. Every other realm had remained independent from Asgard but not Vanaheim. The Vanir had been assimilated into Aesir society a long time ago, in the days of Odin’s father’s father.

The war on Jötunheim had united them, but that common enemy was long gone and old conflicts, half forgotten by time, came back to the surface.

They had bound his magic with their own, Vanir was magic older than Aesir magic but subtler and less easy to use for war but not less powerful. Loki had studied it and admired it for its unobtrusiveness but never mastered it since the Vanir guarded their last secret jealously.

“The sweet prince of Asgard,” Freyr laughed, kicking him into the side. _Run,_ Loki thought desperately, please _Run as far as you can, never stop._ “Where are your bastard children?”

“I’m Odin’s son. You need more to impress me.” Loki spat at him. _Don’t look back, don’t stop, don’t look back_ Freyr kneeled down next to him, taking Loki’s chin in his hand to make him look him in the eye.

“Don’t worry, sweet prince. I will impress you and when I’m done my sister will do the same.” _Heimdall can see you even if he cannot see me. Cry out for him. He will bring you home._

“I know you studied our magic. “ Freyr’s face was uncomfortably close to Loki’s. “So I assume you have heard of the Skaði?” Loki laughed. “Do you really think I’m afraid of wolves when my son Fenrir is the biggest in all realms?”

“I found them,” Freya’s voice came from the dark wood surrounding them. Finally she walked out of the darkness, Vali and Nari at her hands. _Please no, father, please come_

“Everything will be fine,” Loki told them, trying to sound reassuring. “Let them go. They’re just children.” _Your children, Thor, save them_

Freya gave a bell-like laugh. “We were just children when your people came with fire and death and spilled our blood on soil that will now never harbour life again.” _Then you should know their pain and their fear, let them go_

“I wasn’t talking about you.” Freyr stroked Loki’s cheek as Loki’s eyes widened and he looked at his children. He regretted his foolish, provocative words.

“Choose one,” Freya demanded. “One as the Skaði and one as its victim.”

“No.”

“Then they both die.” Freyr shrugged. “It will be slow and their screams will frighten every animal out of this wood. They are both so pretty, it will be a pleasure to use them, flay their flawless skin from their fingers. Have you ever seen how long it takes until a man bites off his own fingers to ease the pain?” Freyr spoke softly as if he recalled a fond memory.

“One for you, one me, brother,” Freya smiled, combing with her fingers through Vali’s blonde hair. “Cut his tendons like strings,pling, pling, pling,” A tiny dagger appeared in her hand and she pricked Vali’s face with its tip. Loki struggled but they had bound him too well. There was no escape for him.

“Until he cannot move and then I’ll lay him out on the ground, a sacrifice to all the beauty you destroyed and then the nature will have its tribute. Animals will come and feed on him, bit by bit by bit.” She laughed her bell-like laugh again.

“You see Loki, you can spare them that. Choose one to live and the other to die quickly.”

“I can’t.” Loki felt as if he was choking. “I can’t.” He repeated helplessly. _They will come, any moment now someone will come_

“Fine,” Freyr stood up and took Vali from Freya’s grip. Vali who looked so much like Thor, and Nari who had the same brilliant blue eyes but the reddish tint of Odin’s hair when he had been young.

“Take your time, sister.” He said while beginning to rip the clothes from Vali’s body who looked at Loki, frightened like a little rabbit. Blue eyes framed by long, golden hair. _Thor!_

A high, piercing cry and Loki saw that Freya had cut into Nari’s left knee, blood spilling down his leg as it gave out under him but Freya held him up by his wrist. Nari was crying, tears streaming over his face and Loki wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him, take away his pain.

 _Father!_

Another scream as Freya cut the other knee tendons and Freyr who had finished stripping Vali took his hair into a fist and made him go down on his knees.

“Tell me, Loki, will his mouth feel as good on me as his father’s did?” Freyr asked with a nasty grin as he began to open his trousers with his free hand.

“Vali,” Loki whispered tonelessly. “I choose Vali.”

Freyr’s triumphant laughter was like a jötunheim blizzard and a muspellheim firestorm. It killed everything.

“Skaði,” Freyr said, laying his hand on Vali’s back. With a pout Freya dropped the sobbing Nari on the ground, vanishing in a haze of sweet smelling flowers but Freyr leaned down to Loki. “You will remember me, sweet prince.”

The Skaði was an old Vanir spell, the angel of death for them. It transformed one into a wolf that would eat the nearest dying person and nothing would stop but afterwards they would become harmless until they transformed back again.

Loki couldn’t move that much but he still tried to hit his head as hard as he could against the tree he was tied at. If he was injured worse than Nari Vali would kill him and everything would be fine.

“Father,” Vali said, just this one, hopelessly helpless word and Loki understood that he was too late.

//////////////////////////

It wasn’t quick but still quicker than anything Freyr and Freya would have done. The smell of vomit and blood hung in the damp forest air and there was blood on Vali’s snout when he came to Loki, trying to gnaw through the rope that tied his father.

“Vali,” Loki said softly but Vali stubbornly refused to stop gnawing on the rope. “Vali.”

Finally the rope came undone and Loki fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around Vali’s neck. Vali howled heartbreakingly as Loki hid his tears in his fur.

“It’s not you fault,” he whispered between his sobs. “It’s not your fault.” Again and again and again until Vali stopped howling and tried to snuggle as close to Loki as he could. Loki began to sing for him, a lullaby he had often sung for his children.

No one came for them. And Loki’s magic only began to return slowly like strength after a long illness.

When Vali slept, Loki buried Nari’s remains with his own hands until they bled and even then he didn’t stop.

The next morning Vali was a child again, blonde hair falling into his face, reminding Loki so much of Thor when he slept like this: curled on his side, unaware of the world.

Carefully Loki picked up his sleeping son and started walking because Asgard was far.

At the edge of the forest Loki felt as if Nari was crying out for him. He turned around but of course there was no one there.

Why did you not come? Loki asked the empty sky but no one answered. No one heard him. No one saw him. Vali was whimpering in his sleep and Loki tightened his grip on his son, stroking his hair to lull him back into sleep.

“It wasn’t your fault.” He whispered again.

//////////////////////////

The way back to Asgard was long and Heimdall didn’t answer him once and he couldn’t use the secret ways he knew since his magic was still weak and what he had he used to keep Vali asleep. If they reached Asgard without him waking up maybe then he could convince his son that everything had just been a bad dream and find a pretty lie to cover Nari’s death.

 _Nari_

Loki bit his lips so hard they bled to suppress the sob in his throat but he couldn’t prevent some tears falling into Vali’s hair, twinkling like crystals in the bright sunshine. Loki shoved the thoughts violently aside and began to sing to Vali again, weaving his magic into the words and melody, keeping his sleep deep and his dreams pleasant.

“I will protect you from the truth.” He whispered to Vali. “You will never know the truth. I choose you so it’s my burden to bear.”

//////////////////////////

“Who is there?” Heimdall asked when Loki stepped out of the Bifröst. The bridge hadn’t been opened for him but he managed to take it nonetheless.

“Loki.” He finally said when he saw him face to face. “Your father was worried where you had gone.”

“Couldn’t you tell him?” Loki asked with bitter mockery.

“I couldn’t see you.”

“Of course,” Loki didn’t believe him. Heimdall was just another Vanir and he had never liked Loki. He stepped forwards but stumbled and would have fallen if Heimdall hadn’t caught him.

“I will not let you take him,” Loki whispered exhausted, tightening his arms around Vali.

“I will take you to your father.” Was the last thing Loki heard before falling unconscious.

//////////////////////////

He woke up in his own quarters with his mother sitting at his side, bathing his sweat soaked skin with a wet cloth.

“Where’s Vali?” He asked, half-panicked that she would tell him he was gone as well.

“Shh, shh, “she caressed his forehead. “Vali is playing with Tyr and Baldr outside. Thor watches them.” But that wasn’t good enough for Loki. He got out of bed, barely able to keep standing on his feet.

“Loki!” His mother exclaimed but she came around to support him until he could see his son from the window, trying with Tyr to climb Thor who held a plate with cookies out of reach.

For a sweet, forgetful moment Loki managed to smile at the image but his legs were still too weak to support him for a longer time and his mother made him go back to bed.

“Loki, what...what happened? Vali said he can’t remember anything and where is...” She looked almost afraid to ask the question. “Where is Nari?”

It hurt just to hear his name. Nari, Nari who should be down there with Vali and Tyr, playing, laughing...living.

“How long was I gone?”

“Nearly a week.” She sounded as if the memory alone hurt her, the fear for him. “We looked for you but even Heimdall couldn’t see you.”

“I killed Nari.”

“Loki.” But there was something hesitating in her touch that let all the comfort drain from it.

“You..you didn’t come...and I...they wanted me to choose...and I....I choose Nari to die.” He couldn’t hold back the sobs now, not even when blood flowed over his palms where his fingernails had cut into them. His mother gathered him into her arms, whispering sweet, comforting noises as if he was a little child again.

His father came in, maybe his mother had sent for him when he had woken up, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t demand any explanation. He merely sat down on Loki’s other side and wrapped his strong arms around both of them.

It didn’t feel comforting but it made Loki feel safe.

Nothing would ever bring him comfort again.

//////////////////////////

Thor came later, or maybe the next day, Loki wasn’t sure. He slept a lot, his body taking its toll after the long walk. Apparently Freyr and Freya had bound his magic with Dwarven spells that had hidden him even from Heimdall’s gaze.

“Loki,” he said and it sounded sadder than any word had the right to be. Loki didn’t turn, didn’t move or acknowledge his brother’s presence in any way until Thor lay down behind him and wrapped his arm around Loki’s waist, pulling them closer together.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Why?”

“Haven’t mother and father told you?” He hoped they had. He didn’t want to repeat his story ever again, not even for Thor’s sake.

“Yes, they did and it makes me even happier that you’re alive and back. You and Vali.”

“I killed him.”

“No, you didn’t and neither did Vali. Freyr and Freya killed him and they will pay for it.” Thor vowed, the last words spoken in anger.

“I could...I should have done something!”

“What? Choose Vali to die instead?”

“No! I...” Loki started helplessly. _I should have had a better reason to choose Vali to live._ But that was a thought he would never voice, could barely admit to himself.

“He was my son, too, Loki.” Thor reminded him and there was that sadness again. Loki finally turned around only to see tears clinging to Thor’s lashes. He curled closer to him until he thought he could vanish in Thor’s arms, never to come back to the world. To make up a spell and take all the grief and sadness and sorrow from Thor and shield him from it like he was shielding Loki from the world now.

“Can you do something for me?” He finally asked.

“Anything,” Thor answered without hesitating.

“Take care of Vali. I cannot...I’m not able to care for him as I should at the moment.” He wanted solitary and quiet and to immerse himself in magic and spells until he made sure this would never happen to him or until he forgot, whatever happened sooner.

“I will,” Thor promised him, kissing his forehead. “I will.”

“Will you be there when I wake up?” Loki knew it was selfish but he wanted to have whatever little comfort he could get.

“Yes,” Thor shifted a bit to get more comfortable. “I will always be there.”

Loki doubted that but it was a comforting lie and probably the biggest one Thor had ever told.

No one needed the truth anyway, not when the truth was ugly and cold and could destroy just as much as any lie could.

No, Loki preferred lies.


End file.
